1650 c/o Jackson Nieuwland

Cafés begin to become popular in New Zealand

What’s up with all these fucking cafés?
They’re everywhere nowadays.
Everywhere I turn I’m confronted by them.
With their little tables and their hipster ass baristas in their skinny ass jeans.
I don’t get why people love them so much.
Whenever I try to make plans with anyone they’re all like,
“Yeah I know this great café. Lets meet for coffee.”
And I always respond like,
“Oh actually, I forgot, I can’t do that day.”
And they’re like,
“Oh that’s a shame. I’ll be there anyway so just stop by if your plans change.”
Like I would change my plans to hang out in a café with someone who hangs out in cafés.
I don’t even drink coffee.
It’s disgusting.
It smells horrible.
I remember once we had to make it at school and I drank some and threw up.
After that none of the girls at school looked at me again.
The stain on the carpet never came out.
People made so much fun of me.
Never again.
That shit is poisonous.
Who needs it?
I’m straight edge and proud of it.
And I’m legit unlike these other posers, taking antidepressants and cough drops and shit.
A drug is a drug is a drug guys.
Don’t forget it.
I mean depression?
You need to stop being such a fucking pussy.
Do you think I got all weepy when my parents died in a car crash?
Hell no.
I didn’t shed a tear.
I just went on living my lief.
Without coffee.
Even if I did drink that shit I wouldn’t spend my cash on fancy ass drinks and expensive ass pastries.
I don’t want no soy.
I don’t want no chai.
What the fuck is chai?
I mean it’s not like we live in Europe or Paris or some shit guys.
This is New Zealand.
What ever happened to a Coke and a steak and cheese pie?*
That’s the only sort of pastry I can get down with.
And I know you’re the same.
Quit trying to be someone you’re not.
Don’t you remember all the fun we used to have?
Can’t you just come over to my house.
I’ll microwave some popcorn.
We can watch School Of Rock.
It’ll be fun.
I promise.

*And yes I realise Coke has caffeine in it but none of us are fucking perfect are we? We all have our vices. Every now and then I just feel like splurging. I mean, I don’t have anyone anymore. My family’s dead and all my friends are hanging out in cafés. What choice do I have but to turn to Coke? There are plenty of worse things I could be doing. I’m only human. Don’t judge me.**

**And I didn’t use footnotes because of David Foster Wallace I used them because of Terry Pratchett!!