1579 c/o Erik Svehaug


Drake's Cook


Eagle must have made the Golden Hind, with its massive wings stretched across bones of wood, its hold full of strange smells, clothes and implements. The white men, that sailed it in from the sunset, must have come straight from Coyote. Odd, agreed the old Miwok men in the sweathouse of the village nearest the beach, and surprising, that the passengers in Eagle's basket with wings seemed to have forgotten so much about life, unacquainted with the simplest things, like atole, black eggs and pinole.

The seamen brought gifts, but demanded food and supplies of water in great volume in a rude way. They impatiently sucked their teeth or rattled beads or copper pieces, as if to say: “Right now!” Their speech reminded the People of duck quack and squirrel chatter and many shouted in a loud, coarse way. The strangers that were sick and losing teeth, hair and body fluids were nurtured in the village.

One day, the People noticed that these visitors weren't mingling or courting the single women. They weren't staying! During a daylong sweathouse meeting, it was decided to hold a feast and offer a dance directly to the aloof Admiral Drake, as though to Coyote and Eagle. This might evoke pity for the People's loneliness. Single women could do a flirtatious dance and entice at least some visitors to stay.

Young men set up the fire, with heaps of extra firewood. Boys and girls spread mats over the rocky path all the way from the village to the feast area between the boulders. The women cooked for hours and used many of the village's reserves to make this feast spectacular.

The late afternoon waves lapped against the shore during a long silence that followed the food. The murmuring of each group reached the other as an increasingly repulsive sound.



An elder, who had encouraged the feast, stood and sang an age-old welcoming song of reunion and reconciliation whose melody was quick and light and warm and whose words were full of respect and a reminder of mutual loves and history together.

The mood shifted. A popular seaman stood in place and sang a bouncing song about chasing French and Spanish ships at sea and women on the shore. Sensing a positive shift, the elder signalled the women's dance leader to begin.



Six lovely young women had been chosen. They had practised their dance for several hours each day for several days. The girls had fasted to purify themselves and passed through the smoke of an herb fire.

They danced somewhat inwardly, with small gestures, gradually collecting life, then with more outward expression and broader gestures celebrating life. Then they enticed, suggested, offered to share life.

They danced beyond themselves, rhythmic and undulating, sweat drenched but shivering occasionally, chilled by the wind off the water. The spirits that guided the girls held them at a pulse that reached out to these sailors. The dance invited them to forget what they knew of hard ship life and home.

Up jumped a seaman. To the rhythm, he began to pump his hips toward the girls. Another got up and copied the other. They faced each other and advanced, thrusting. They bumped each other forward and then reversed and bumped buttocks, then one reversed and thrust at the other's bum. Attention was now divided.

The warm spirit turned cold. A girl picked up two large smooth rocks from near the fire pit and clacked them together with the rhythm. The dancing seamen slowed and turned toward the sound. “Sit down!” she commanded them, continuing to clack the rocks. They sat, though not understanding her words. The girl clacked the rocks and twirled. Another picked up two sticks from the beach; others grabbed single sticks and large shells. The pace increased; their movements swift. They no longer made eye contact. The music had no words, only open mouth sounds, which increased in intensity. A girl began to alternately hit her thigh with a stick and then strike her two sticks together. Then she hit her face and the side of her head. Others followed, alternately clacking and striking themselves, rocks to both temples, sticks to the cheeks and nose, shells to the forehead, sticks against breasts, throwing their bodies down into brambles and onto jagged outcroppings. The beat maintained somehow. Scratched and bleeding, the girls tore their faces with their fingernails. Both groups of onlookers sat silent as the trees. The sounds became a wail, not of pain, but of reproach and shame and mourning.

The shaman of the village was terrified. This dance of pain was new, but instantly, unmistakably, now part of their tradition and he had been chosen to witness its creation. Trembling, the old man stepped from the group of men and began the dance of Mountain Lion, his most powerful ally; slowly, undulating, his shoulders rolling, at first humming, then chanting low barely audible tones, then words, then suddenly, with a scream of a lion denied its prey, he shook the beach, startled the guests, dropped the villagers to their knees and snapped the girls from their trance.



Impatient during the dance, and using ivory buttons for bait, ship's cook Hedricks had enticed a young village woman with tattooed chin ribbons to go with him along the beach. They passed a downed tree that harpooned into the water. As soon as they were out of sight of the crew and natives, his hand was under her skirt of rabbit skins like an ecstatic fox. She got the buttons and the giggles.

He had learned about the value of his buttons from a pock-faced tar on board and had brought the buttons ashore with him, hoping to work out a trade of this kind.

Side by side, face-by-face in the starlight, each was scared of the other, but even more excited. Speech had been useless. He found her plump, round and ready. When she laughed at the tickle of his beard, it took him back to Connaugh Street at home and he could've been with Meg or Sara or Bonnie. With a hand on each shoulder, he pushed her back to the sand and put his leg between her knees ready to mount her. With a twist, she rolled away with her back to him.

“Be strong,” she murmured, and backed toward him, now more than ready to receive him.

“Teasing, are we?” he said, chuckling, and pulled her with both hands to face him. His hands moved to her thighs.

“Right now!” she laughed and rolled over to make her mood clear. No more hands and beards, she wanted all of him all at once.

“Here now!” he said, exasperated. As he forced her over, he tried to penetrate her, her legs tight together in reaction.

“Ow!” she said. “Other side. Other side!” and rolled, her buttocks up, even backing toward him to make her mood clear, tired of his pushing games.

Hedricks pulled her head up and hit her hard now with a scarred right fist, mad. She complied with the alien skunk.

He gave her seed with which to start a family and a share in the disease he had picked up in the Sandwiches.

While the shaman was yet dancing, with the eerie scream still clinging to the hairs on the back of their necks, two seamen jumped to their feet and began to prance and jump and beat time on their thighs, with open palms. A fife began to play and they went into a hornpipe and another pair joined them. With a word, an old man rose and led the villagers up the hill to their shelters.

Two days after the feast, it was clear that the sails had been repaired with fiber and gut, not feathers. The hulls and masts were bolstered with wood, not bone. The canvas that filled with wind appeared dirty; the ship puny and weak. When the shaman watched the ship sail south, he knew that whatever stayed from the ship was not from Eagle or Coyote, but from the People's own terrible pale kinsmen.



Hedricks' button girl was cremated at the ocean beach, twenty-three months after the feast. Her mother and sisters blackened their faces with blood and charcoal mixed, cut their arms with shells and smeared pitch in their hair. They shrieked their grief. The whole tribe prayed her to the West, to the island beyond, the land of Eagle and Coyote. Her body was entrusted to the sun-like fire, which consumed, last of all, her necklace of precious ivory buttons. Her husband and two children followed shortly thereafter.

Eighteen months later, Drakes' cook, Hedricks, drowned during the sinking of a different boat on the Thames, just miles from London, his body lost. His shipmates clinked their glasses and muttered his name for the last time.

1578 c/o Belle Crawford


The Whispers


It’s an old memory.

You know the feeling that rises up from time to time? The one that comes on like a cold and last hours, sometimes days, seeping in through the tiny holes in your skin and swelling up, clogging the brain with the unshakable impulse to do things?

That’s what it is.

That’s what it was.

There were no white faces before. The humid stretch from here to the Atlantic was only Ashepoos and Kiawahs. Wandos, Combahees. Edistos and Westos. We spoke Muskogean. She didn’t understand them, Francisco de Vaca and his fraternity, their thin lips, tongues moving inside like fish struggling, dancing holy O’s squawking murder chants. Or maybe it was prayers, who could be sure? And the hair! The way it moved on their faces and around their eyes when they made demands. It was enough to make you want to laugh.

She liked looking at them. (We all did.) She made her body like a hotel. She gave gifts. (Our gifts. Our things.) Pearls, arrowheads, corn cakes. Then she gave more. (Her gifts. Her things.) One by one, they shared her, their sweet milk-fed stink coming in from everywhere, disguised as nothing. Their sounds like tortured animals, but also like babies. She couldn’t not, if you know what I mean. She was under their hypnotics, their creamy pull to destruction. But when they found out she didn’t have what they were really looking for (fat money nuggets they could sink into their pockets like extra dicks), they exploded and ate up everything we loved. They took her as a prisoner (Did I see her smile?) as they went to search other tribes, other troves, other flesh hotels.

When she came back she was alone. Thin and empty-eyed as a dead raccoon. Pregnant as a hot September rain cloud. And she’d forgotten how to speak.

"The Whispers" we called it, her new kind of talk. They’d replaced her tongue with one of theirs, defunct. (A goldfish bloated, upside down.)

The Whispers threw her off balance, turning her footprints into drag marks in the sand. (Dizzying, really. But kind of pretty, if you forgot what they were.) She circled and circled all night, The Whispers working their way into our rooms like a breeze, making us dream fucked-up dreams. Horses with human faces where their teeth should have been. Ravens with pussy-bows round their wings. Fucked up.

It was autumn when they found her body on the shore of the Savannah, her stomach ripped open like one of their berry pies, the breathless baby curled in her hand. "The Whispers" we explained to ourselves. "That feeling that rises up from time to time. That fills your head like a fever and last hours, sometimes days, clogging your brain with the unshakable impulse to do things."

That’s what it was.

That’s what it is.

1577 c/o Sue Miller


Superlunary


In describing certain relationships
say, the rate of passage
of a flame-tailed accretion of ice and rock
through the cross hairs
of an earth-bound scope—
precision's contingent on the acumen
of one's instruments.

Picture the passage
of time, of celestial events,
without ability to articulate
distances with satisfactory granularity,
where the most distinguished observer,
after a long day of fishing,
thanks to a former blacksmith
cum horologist whose need to mete
out increments impels him
to add a hand to the face of time,
to break it down minutely
enough to express logarithmically
that the sweep of a particular spherule's
observable height across the firmament's breadth
remains constant across a continent.

Understanding is breached;
courts applaud and appoint
as, significantly, an atmosphere
is observed to skew away from sunward.

Imagine a race, today, run without
a stopwatch. Imagine a scientific observation
that waits on the day's catch.
Imagine a future unfurling
beyond capacity
at a pace navigated,
stargazing.

1576 c/o Ryan Vance


The Record Shows I Took My Blows


Read it aloud, Whythorne says, trying not to caper.

William Byrd holds the first chapter of Whythorne’s legacy in one hand, a Pepsi in
the other.

This is just one big ego massage for you, isn’t it? he says.

You can’t think of it like that, this is an entirely new genre. Have you ever
invented a completely new genre, William? Have you ever birthed a gamechanger?

The temptation to caper is so strong; the full deal, knees-high-arms-in-the-air.
Whythorne is so pumped.

This, he informs his flatmate, is an entirely original representation of identity.
This will not only change history, it has within it the potential to single-handedly
retroactively reconfigure how we-

Okay, okay, shut up. Right, here we go. Once uponne a time there was a manne called
Thomas Whythorne and he travell’d to Venice and he mette fellowe scholars that
liked songs and sonettes and then he boughte some stockings… they were greene and
he wanted to… penne a recorde of his…

Well? Go on.

Byrd adjusts his ruff and says, It’s a bit pre-school, isn’t it?

It’s only a first draft, Whythorne huffs, stomping to his room.

Byrd sips his ice-cool Pepsi and makes a satisfied ahhhh sound.


***


I don’t get why I have to read it, says Byrd. It’s your thing. You read it to me. I’ll tell
you the bits I don’t like.

That’s not how it works.

Why not?

You’ll see.

Byrd looks sidelong at Whythorne vibrating with anticipation, and begins.

My name is Thomas Whyth… Tom, this makes no sense. I’m not you, why are you
making me say I’m you?

Keep reading! It gets better!

I feel stupid.

Whythorne bounces on the divan, patting the cushions with his little hands.

My name is Thomas Whythorne. Borne into wealthe I have beene afforded the
luxuries of intelligence and culture. Lette me telle you… Tom, I don’t get it… It’s…
weird. The style’s all…

Autobiography, says Whythorne, smirking. I invented it. Well, not really, but I say I
do on page thirty two. It’s okay if you don’t get it first time round. But go on.

Lette me telle you of my travelles to that muche misunderstoode city state of Venice,
a lande of songs, sonettes and fine… blue stockings? I thought your Venetian
stockings were green. I’ve seen you wear them.

Whythorne shrugs.

It’s a risky venture, this new genre business. I’m having to court sponsors and they’ve
requested a few adjustments. To be honest, in this game, the truth is what I make it,
and I don’t think anyone’ll pick up on a simple colour change.

What sort of blue? asks Byrd.

Same blue as this can of refreshing Pepsi I am currently holding, says Whythorne, and
chugs all three hundred and thirty millilitres of tasty black goodness in less than thirty seconds.
Oh. Oh, he says. I think I’m going to throw up.

But he doesn’t.

Sorry, says the Pepsi representative, can we try that again? The gonna-puke market
isn’t all that lucrative, you know?

He pulls a fresh can from the cooler and tosses it to Whythorne.

What sort of blue? asks Byrd.


***


Calle me Pepsi?

Don’t ask, says Whythorne, his head on the kitchen table and his hands on his head.

Will you even have ownership of this?

Just read the damn thing and tell me what you think.

Calle me Pepsi. I posesse absolute claritie about what I do. I selle high qualitie foode
and beverage products. My successe will ensure customers wille builde their business,
employees builde their futures, and shareholders builde their wealthe.

The Pepsi representative marks the dry silence by pointing to where his watch would
be, if he wore a watch.

Tom this is revolutionary. Tom this will change history. Tom you are a genius.

Don’t thank me, says Whythorne. He is speaking to the table. Thank Pepsi.

We need more enthusiasm than that, Mr Whythorne. Can we try again?

Whythorne kicks back his chair. He jesters around the room with a fat rictus on his
face.

Don’t thank me! Thank Pepsi! Their delicious soft drink inspired me to be a
true original! Image is nothing, thirst is everything, obey your thirst! Pepsi!

What was that? says the representative. That thing about thirst.

I was improvising, Whythorne growls.

He feels like a bear in Oxford Square chained to a post.

The Pepsi representative taps his lips with his first and second fingers, deep in
thought. Image is nothing, thirst is everything. I like it, he says. I like it. Stay here, he
says. I need to check in with head office.

We might be able to use that.

1575 c/o Amber Sparks


Henry III is Crowned King of France at Rheims


He kneels, dizzy in the thick mix of oils and incense, as the procession of monks approaches the high altar. Like all the kings of France since Clovis, he will be anointed with the contents of the holy relic the monks carry.

Another monk won’t be so reverential, seven years from now. A Dominican friar, frenzied and fanatical, he’ll leave a knife in his king’s belly before he goes to his reward. Henri will follow him shortly, the last of the Valois kings. A long line erased by religion, seed exhausted, replaced with sturdy Bourbon blood instead.

When he is born, his Medici mother will know from the first that she loves him the best. Chers yeux, she calls him. Precious eyes. His brothers will hate him for the soft ways he learns from her. She will teach him to read and write, to love art, to be wise and to wage but always despise war. Most of all, she will keep him a Catholic, even as he longs to rebel, to fall into Protestantism. She will keep him a Catholic and it will eventually kill him.

During the Revolution they’ll haul poor Henri from his long rest in the family grave; they’ll molest his bones beyond what death can do. Finally they’ll toss what’s left of him into a common plot, brushing the dust of the tomb from their hands and dreaming away all kings. His spirit, unsettled and lost, will cry for his mother, will cry for the perfumed neck and the warm lap and the sweet, light voice lulling her chers yeux to sleep, to sleep, to sleep.

But now he struggles for wakefulness, wades knee-deep in the blessings of his people and God. Now the archbishop lifts the Crown of Charlemagne from the altar, holds it aloft, sets it heavy and hard on Henri’s head. Henry III of France rises, ascends the throne, waves to the people as the shout rolls through the cathedral: Vive le roi! And yes, today he lives, and he will live until he dies, until the failures of the future come washing down the back roads of time, and he is pulled under and drowned forever.

1574 c/o Matt Munday


What Machiavelli Talks About When
He Talks About Strangling People



Sultan Mehmed III, son of Murad III, grandson of Selim II, sits wearily on a piece of furniture.1 He flaps absently at a mosquito, holds his fat head in his fat hands and sighs. It feels like he has been waiting for hours.

The box beneath him is draped in one of his fine kaftans been left out to dry. Mehmed doesn’t know what’s in the box – maybe bed linen? Why is he even thinking about it? And where in Osman’s name have his deaf mutes got to?2

Mehmed raises his head as a man in light fabric house-slippers comes walking briskly down the corridor towards him. It is one of his brothers, Martin, and he keeps glancing nervously behind him. Martin’s footwear makes his steps silent against the palace’s marble floors, so that his approach through the murky light of the wall-mounted candles is somewhat ghostly. Save for the slippers, Martin is nude.

“Ah, brother,” he begins, wringing his hands. “I’m glad I’ve found you,” but he pauses at the approach up ahead of one of Mehmed’s deaf mutes. Mehmed takes this opportunity to let his dark brown eyes roll slowly down to consider the cumbersome junk hanging between Martin’s legs. He sighs again.

The deaf mute stops within a few paces of the two royal brothers and gives a bow.

There’s a pause.

“Now, brother,” Martin begins again, clearly agitated. “I – I wanted to.” He glances at the deaf mute. “Look, could we step into a chamber or something?”

“It's ok, Gary can’t hear you.”

Martin flaps at the deaf mute. “Shoo – go on. We’re talking.”

“He can’t hear you.”

Martin starts to well up. “Look, I’ve just been to Kevin’s room­, and he was all-” Mehmed raises a finger to his lips. “You’ll wake one of my wives.”

“Sorry.” Martin whispers. “Look, I went to Kevin’s room.” Here again he stops as a second and third deaf mute come walking down the corridor towards them. “Oh for crying out loud.”

The mutes bow.

“Carry on.”

“Well, he was all twisted and sort of, not-very-well looking.” Martin steps towards Mehmed and lets his horrified eyes wander across the sultan’s bearded face. “And one of them,” he points at the mutes, “was in there with him. Just standing there looking at him, totally expressionless.”

“What happened then?”

“I went to Rob and Brian’s rooms, and there they were too. Sort of mangled. And I thought – this is the bit that got me – remember how dad used to tell us he’d throttled his brothers in order to have all the power for himself?3 And that by the end they were all kind of asleep-looking, but sitting propped up against the wall with purple necks?”

“Yes.”

“Well it reminded me of that. Of that image.”

Three more deaf mutes come wandering down the corridor, hands behind their backs. They bow in unison.

“Yes, I can see that it might.”

“So then I went back to my room,” Martin points at the mutes again and his whisper becomes slightly hysterical “and one of them was in there – in my room.”

“Hmm.” Mehmed scratches his moustache. “So you ran?”

“Yes.”

“Which one?”

“Which one what?”

“Was in your room?”

Martin cranes his neck and studies their faces. “That one there, at the back.” He points, and looks at Mehmed. A thin and pallid deaf mute comes shuffling through the pack and stands out in front. He stares unblinkingly ahead.

Mehmed sighs and gestures towards the mute with his hand. Immediately, Gary the deaf mute steps forward and places his hands on the thin one’s shoulders, turning him around. After looking his deaf colleague in the eye for a second, Gary gestures to the ground and the mute falls limply to his knees, whereupon Gary wraps his large hands around his throat.

“Oh God,” Martin says, looking at Mehmed. “He’s not serious, is he?”

They both watch as Gary’s grip tightens and the kneeling mute begins to gurgle.

Gary’s arms tense, squeezing the mute’s neck until his eyes bulge and the veins stand out on his forehead. His limbs flail slightly and he shudders. Gary squeezes a couple more times and moves his hands in concentric circles, wringing the neck for good luck. Carefully, he lets the dead mute flop to the ground and then lets go, stepping back into the group.

Martin pukes.

“Oh come on,” Mehmed says, “there are worse ways to go.”4

“You’re all mad,” Martin coughs, wiping his sicky mouth with his hand, and he turns and runs off down the corridor.

The deaf mutes turn to Mehmed. There is an embarrassed pause. “Well go on then,” Mehmed says. Nobody moves. “Oh for fuck’s-” Mehmed makes a ring of his hands and tightens the thumbs and forefingers, squeezing thin air. He nods very slowly.

One by one, the deaf mutes file off down the corridor, stepping lightly over the pukey crumpled mute corpse in their way.


  1. Even had Mehmed somehow developed the space-time loophole or interest in décor necessary to discover that the florid box-on-legs under his pudgy, hirsute backside would later be known as an ‘Ottoman’, it would not have struck him as very interesting: he was generally an incurious and beady-eyed sort of guy.
  2. Mehmed had a small domestic army of deaf mutes – an extravagance made impossible for later sultans by the introduction of compulsory employer liability insurance and (equally non-negotiable) disabled-access schemes, the vagaries of which even modern-day recruitment personnel find innavigable, let alone poor old sub-normal 16th century Mehmed-types, whose IQ even on a good high-fibre morning hovered somewhere in the mid to low 70s.
  3. Like most dads, Mehmed and Martin’s was pleased by the transition of his children from puking, jabber-faced babies to completely undiscerning private bedtime audience: his stories soon converged into pretty transparent accounts of the fratricidal prowess of a handsome Caliph (or some such), and eventually he even gave up ascribing the anti-hero of his (somewhat linear and uni-themed) narratives a fake name altogether, and just told them outright what he himself had done to their uncles and why.
  4. Mehmed is right. It has already been mentioned that he was quite an incurious guy, and so wouldn’t have been hugely au fait with the comings and goings of theo-political developments on the Continent – but had Mehmed taken the time to read up on the newest fad of those lily-faced heathens west of Constantinople (a fad they were calling Protestantism), he might have discovered that William Tyndale, only fortyish years earlier, had received the ultimate royal indulgence of being strangled before he was burnt at the stake: sometimes it’s only through book-learning that you learn how right you can be.