1523 c/o Terrence Slumgullion

Two Boys

I am a Flemish painter.
Pleased to meet you.

Also I’m a philosopher.
More of a hobby though.
Like here is an example of my philosophy:
“We want what we cannot have. Ergo I want cervical cancer? Exactly.”

I am a Flemish painter ergo my precursors are imperative.
I must learn from my precursors.
For example: I must learn from Jan van Eyck!
For example: I must learn from Jan van Dornicke!!
Ah, van Dornicke.
His name is so chantable. That is what I like about him.
Just so: “Dor-nic-ke! Dor-nic-ke!”.
I love to chant his name and stand there learning from him as hard as I can.
Gotta love all of those Jans.

I have learned from my precursors: they have taught me it is within a Flemish’s ability to perform great deeds.
Ergo I perform great deeds regularly.

Another precursor: Hugo van der Goes!
You're pumping your fists, right?
Still going with the “Dor-nic-ke!” from before.
But you are not a Flemish painter.
He is not your precursor.

I hold seminars whenever I can and people come and watch me while I describe or enact any great deeds.
Three hours into a seminar recently, it occurred to me to build a tower of Jenga blocks. A really big tower. Like, let's say 'many feet high'.
But! After that, after I really had people’s attention, I used the boxes that the Jenga blocks came in to build an even bigger tower!
Thereby, you know, commenting.
Making an incredibly meaningful comment is without a doubt a truly great deed.

Yet another precursor, yet another Jan: it's Jan Mertens the Younger!
Mer-tens! Mer-tens!
Not so bad.

Some more philosophy from a recent seminar:
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Unless you only have one basket. In that case I don’t know, seems dumb to leave perfectly edible eggs behind at the market just because you only have one basket.
Let’s see. You could try to hard boil them before putting them in the basket. Seems unlikely, though. Hmm. What about cotton wool? I feel like I have maybe at one point in my life seen lots of eggs in a single basket that was lined and padded with cotton wool or something. So, packing them in nice and tight would actually be a pretty good idea. If there were just a few eggs in various baskets they would all be rattling around, knocking into one another and such as you ride your tricycle home.
Good point. Yeah. Yes. The thing with cotton wool. Try that.”
I was sucked forward by the gasp.

Some theology now:
“It’s not pre-marital sex if you aren’t going to marry the girl, right? Furthermore, if you are for sure going to marry her, God wouldn’t want you to wait around on His account. God is a neat guy.”

FYI: Having a full-time job is important.
I work full-time as a engraver.
Full-time work is important because it helps regulate your natural rhythms.
Vacating one’s bowels at regular intervals is certainly a great deed.
I cherish my full-time job and dance and waggle my unit in my alarm clock's face every morning.

An art tip, which I learned from my precursors:
“When finishing a painting, a portrait or whatever, add in a bunch of symbolic images. For example: ‘piece of fruit’, ‘mean-looking bird’ or ‘skulls, bones, etc’.”
It’s funny to do that maybe.

Now imagine this in a seminar:
“Don’t upset the apple cart, unless the apple cart is being a brat and you are teaching it a valuable life lesson from which it will definitely benefit in the long term. Some apple carts are real shitheads.”
Basically the house came down.