1420 c/o Jason Lee Norman


It started with three ships. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. The ships were built for durability and could defend themselves from any Spanish galleon or Italian carrack. Each ship had a captain, each ship had a flag, and each captain had a sword.

The Grace- Captain John Cutter: strong, virile, excellent at knitting, penis like a walnut. His destination was the Canary Islands. He dreamt of finding a spice that could be a successor to the hugely popular black cardamom. When they left Southampton he was seen shouting, “Cardamom is a dragon and I will slay her” from the crow’s nest. John loved limes and he loved whores and he loved sunsets. All three he would enjoy in abundance on the final journey of the Grace.

The Valentine- Captain Elizabeth Castle: entrepeneuse, raconteur, fluent in French, and the best prostitute in all of Europe. Elizabeth ran the strongest floating cat house in the world; a mighty ship of whores. They came from all over to see the wonders of the earth and to share their talents with the lonely sailors who had nothing to do with their wages but piss them away in games of chance. Castle was a fierce but fair captain. They ran the vessel in shifts; some worked on deck while the others worked below. Blowjobs and knot tying, sunsets and limes, Elizabeth Castle hoped the Canary Islands would never appear on the horizon.

The Falcon- Captain Ruddiger ‘Pieces’ Perth: mild, calculating, decomposing. Captain Perth sailed a ship of lepers. The sailing leper colony was stocked by the British Royals and was always given enough supplies as long as they never again set their feet or stumps on British soil again. Perth used to be the captain of the Grace and he and Castle were once lovers before he became afflicted. She would charge him half price and let him stay twice as long, deep in the warm belly of the Valentine.

One evening, at the stroke of midnight, the Falcon was a bolt of lightning. The lepers stripped the ship of all useful equipment. They stole all the limes, they untied all the knots. The mast fell into the ocean and woke the sleeping sailors. The sailors pulled up their trousers, they lifted their swords, they saluted Captain Perth. They were defeated.